What Keeps Me Up

I always tell people that I’m a horrible insomniac, and when I do I realize it’s a line from one of my favorite movies (that my brain just told me I should watch at 3:41 AM since I’m already awake), Kissing Jessica Stein. That movie is smart and funny and gay.

Jessica, who is a neurotic Jewish girl, tells her date Helen, “I’m a horrible insomniac.”

“Since when?” Helen asks.

“I don’t know, birth?” Jessica says.

Anyway…it’s true. Mostly. Except when I’m with Dan. I can always sleep well with him at his house, but I can never sleep when I’m at my house.

I’m not sure what keeps me up. It’s always something different. Sometimes I’m thinking about my job and the parts of it that are hard. There are days I can’t remember to zip my fly, and yet the powers that be at work gave me a training program to manage.

Thinking about the upcoming election and wondering how people can publicly support Trump. I don’t even really understand private support of him, but public support still alternately baffles and angers me. You would really put his name on your car? In your yard? Do you know what reasonable people like me think about you when I pass your car on the interstate or drive past your house? It’s not good, folks. Not good.

Sometimes I can’t sleep because I remember I have a Coach wallet that I like, but I don’t know where it is. So I turn my apartment upside down looking for it, only to end up frustrated, obsessed, and Coach-less. How did I end up with the completely useless OCD of wondering where obscure accessories are instead of something helpful like an obsession with cleanliness? Sometimes it’s a wallet. Sometimes it’s spare wax guards for my hearing aids. Or an iPhone case I don’t even really like. Also, my fingernail OCD (they have to always be really, really short) is not helpful or personally beneficial.

Other times I can’t sleep because I’m fat and I wonder why. I’ve been thin and fat several times in my life, and I know that thin is better for me. And as I lie in bed and type this, the dated face of the jack-o-lantern that has been in uninterrupted production since the 1950s  stares back at me, half full of Halloween candy that is in bed with me. I’m sleeping with a pumpkin full of candy. This is why I’m fat. Mystery solved.

And now it’s 3:54 AM and I can’t sleep because I am afraid of oversleeping and missing my 9 AM audiology appointment. At this point, I always debate with myself which is better: stay awake and be on time, or sleep and possibly be late.

I’m also awake because I thought I smelled a warm electronics smell, but I’ve searched my apartment and nothing seems warm or on fire. I think it’s a phantom smell. But I can’t really convince my brain of that, even though it’s intermittent.

I also spent a good deal of time searching for a blog that I used to read in 2004. I found it and read all of the posts that I loved and it’s just as funny. Blogging seems outdated now, in the age of Facebook. Maybe I’ll crosspost this to Facebook and see what kind of reaction I get. I don’t think anyone knows that I’m blogging again, and if I tip them off I’ll feel obligated to blog more so maybe I’ll just keep it a secret for now. Or start with Twitter, which is basically like keeping it a secret because no one follows me on there.

4:05 AM and I think I should really make a decision to sleep or not. 4:08 now and I’m out of things to wonder and write about. I’m either going to be watching Kissing Jessica Stein or sleeping. Maybe I’ll start watching and fall asleep. Now I’m wondering how much blue light my TV emits, making it harder to sleep. My iPad would be better, with Night Shift mode or whatever. But it’s in my work backpack and would require getting up. And wasn’t there a movie called “Night Shift”? Was it any good? Maybe it was a TV show. Should I check?

This is what keeps me up.



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